I made my FIRST EVER DECISION!!!

    That's Right!!  As many of you know I have been on a search to define who I am.  Not as a Mom, nor as a Wife.  I am pretty certain about who those woman are and how they evolve everyday. 

     It is me...without all else. 

          Who do I want to be when I grow up?? 

  When I actually have three hours with everyone out of the house and taken care of I have that time to do for me and only me.  No dishes, No toy pick up. Nothing!  I want to take that time and do something for me only!!  Everything else can wait!

So, now that I have caught you up on my search  quest for who I am, I am making decisions and starting my journey.  I am starting a Vision Board and I have also started writing that damned list that I have been procrastinating on!!  When I have exhausted the list I will post it here for some serious accountability!!

Decision #1.   Get in shape.


       I will not make goals of losing weight, I will not set deadline goals to achieve such and such by such and such a date, I will not.  Why??  Because my goal is to incorporate fitness into my life. period.  I will lose weight no matter what, because I have the weight to lose.

       However, it is not my intention to say that I will lose 20 pounds by summer, because I have done that and when my goal was achieved I felt I had permission to stop. 

I do not want permission to stop....ever.

So, I will be candid.....Starting weight..... 205lbs
                                   Height.....5'7
Mostly hanging around my middle, stomach, hips, thighs, as well as some flabby arms.

So far I have been to the gym twice.  Muscles are sore but not in pain...good start!

I have no excuses for not going to the gym either, because it is literally a 5 minute walk to get there....good cardio warm-up!  I have been using the book I have posted on the left.  It has the exercises photographed for proper postures and has a two week workout plan so I don't have to figure it out for myself. 

     For now, that is what I have come up with.  I will keep you posted on my progress!

Power of The Vision Board

I have been considering buying this book.  I have seen John Assaraf on The Secret, inspirational movie, and thought it was a brilliant idea.  I have tried the Facebook application that does this online, however, there were many problems. 
  The reason I am bringing this up is as I was cleaning out things from our underbed storage, and subsequently throwing things away, I found old posters that I made when I was a teenager and aspiring to become a model.  Yes, another one of the things that I did not follow through with. 
   Anyway, my point is that each poster I made was with pictures clipped out of fashion magazines.  The inspiration was to collect pictures of models wearing clothes that I liked, hair styles, jewelery, make up colours, and models that I admired for their looks and body types.  I did have some serious issues during that time about my body, but I won't get into that now.
  My point is that as I was looking at these old posters today, I saw styles that have become a part of my fashion history already.  A pair of satin pants that looked like jeans-had those.  Satin skirts- did that.   Evening gowns-did that.  Funky shoes-did that....although I would never have predicted my bright red Fluevogs! (which I will NEVER get rid of)  Anyway, my point is that in my teenage years I desired these "things" and in my twenty's after having forgotten all about it, actually had a lot of them in my closet at some point.   I know it is superficial, but the point of realising this is very clear.
    Vision boards do work....it may just take a little longer to come true than we originally want. 
So, after I write that fricken-damned list I will spend some time with the magazines at Chapters and create a board of my own.  I think it would be a good thing for my hubby to do, too. 

Have you done a Vision Board or something similar?  Let me know about it, and if you have found it to come true for you.

Staring at this thing and wondering....What the hell am I doing?

  I am staring at this computer and I am actually wondering What the Hell am I doing?  I am wandering around wasting time when in fiact I have a great portion of time on my hands to read something of value...or to actually make the damned list that I have been putting off since I decided to figure myself out!

   Is this me not following through again?

Dammit!

     Of all the books about the Law of Attraction, and Making Your Dreams Come True I have to admit they all say the same things...mostly.  Make a list of what you want.  Create a Vision Board of images of what you want.  To simplify things...get your ass ingear and get moving!!  Realizing what you actually want is a step most people don't do in the first place.  Instead they carry on with their bitching and complaining and make no moves to change it.

     So, I guess I am not following through again!  GrRRrrrRRRRr.....

Will someone please kick me in my ass!!!

     I will write down on paper my list tonight...and I will do it if I have to stay up all night to do it!!

But PLEASE KICK ME IN MY ASS!!!   Seriously.....someone post a comment and kick me in my ass!!  Use psychology tactics on me...I encourage you!!!

     I need your help!!

How Old is Too Old???

     I am in wonderment at the moment.....and I wonder if I am too old to start something new?  As I am still on the idea of discovering who I am, I have been looking around at amazing women, whom I admit I didn't see their amazing-ness at first.  That is probably from societal conditioning.  I won't rant about that now to ruin the mood, but you probably understand the point anyway....if not let me know and I will gladly rant in another posting!

     As I was saying, I have met quite a few women recently that are doing things for themselves that are absolutely inspiring!  There are even people on my friends list on Facebook ,whom, upon closer inspection are not the people I packaged them up to be, dig a little deeper and I learn that old friends and new ones are singers, artists, photographers, talented cake designers/decorator/bakers, actors, comedienne's, dancers, fashion designers, lingerie designers, yoga instructors, graphic designers, body builders, models.....i am telling you the list goes on and on!

     And now here I am, having let my life slip by and while telling others to "grab the Bull by the balls" and I didn't heed my own advice.  I am happy to be married with children.  As you already know from my previous posts; my search does not lay in my family life, it lies in my personal life.  Yes, there is a difference, a complicated woman can understand the difference.  It is the search to make me fulfilled and happy, as a happy Mommy means everyone else in the house is happy too!

     So, I now ask this again....Am I too old to start something?  What should that something be?

     I was never confident in myself when I was younger to follow through with my own singing career.  I never felt that I was fantastic enough (note that I didn't say good enough).  Then I didn't follow through with being the sculptor that I was becoming, in fact of all the pieces that I had in my collection, only three remain, and one of them was never finished.  I never followed through with my dream of being an actress, either.  High school was as far as I pursued that dream. 

     Then there's the novel.  I have a character and I have a segment that I have tried to work with to make a story that I have started 30-40 different ways, never to feel it was the right way; all written over the past 8 years.  Yet again, another case of no follow through. And let's not talk about the business ventures that I have started and failed!   I am seeing a really bad trend here.

     I think that I can use this trend in other areas of my life as well to a hugely shameful degree...Ugh!  Never mind calling this post How old is too old???  I should call it Am I Stupid or What!! 

    Well, now that I have shredded myself a little, I have to pick up the pieces and cart them around with me....where shall I go??  What shall I do?  I am still left without answers, but hopefully, I will get there soon enough....time's a wastin!

Is THIS the Law of Attraction at work?

I don't usually open my emails on Fridays, as this is the busiest day of the week for all of us.  This is one rare day to sleep in an extra 20-40 minutes!! and after all the tidying and feeding and more tidying we pack off to go to swimming lessons!  AKA Mommy bonding time!!!  I live all week long for these few hours i get to spend with homeschooling moms that I have come to consider my friends.

     Anyway,  I wanted to look for something, which, by the way after I turned the blasted thing on and finish with a few of the hundreds of emails in my inbox, I have forgotten about!  I realize that I am thinking about The Law of Attraction and how to get what I really, truly want our of my life...right now...of course the list is long but that is not the point!

     Many of you whom are close to me know for a fact that there is one thing the I really want, right now, and I am patiently (and slightly bugging) waiting for.....a baby girl.

     So I wonder if the Law of Attraction really does work when I open my emails and there is an advert/email from BabiesRUs!  I don't shop there, I ran into troubles with a registry when I was having our first and never went back.  So how in God's name did I get that!!

  And how about the name I have that I want to give our precious daughter, Eva (pronounced Ava)??  I pass by booths at christmas with embroidered teatowels and my eyes immediately fall on Eva, a teddy bear at the end of the toy aisle in Zellers, gift bags, coffee cups, book marks, tee shirts......and a jumbo package of EVA foam shapes....for crying out loud!!
    
     Last weekend I ventured into the section of the library that has books on faith from every religion and find a book about patron saints and your birthdays.....so for a laugh i look at my birthday to see what saint there is....yup you guessed it!!!!!  Eva!!   
   If you want to get even stranger listen to this!  i can't actually remember the name for the patron saint for my husbands birthday, but both saints were from the same city!!! (name i can't remember because it doesn't exist anymore)  can you believe that!!

    Anyway, is this what the Law of Attraction is all about??  The signs are amazing I have to admit.  I wonder what else I can do with this?

Inspirations

There are moments when, in my quest, that I find things that inspire me.  There are times that as human beings we are in the presence of those people who will inspire us but we never even know it....until we talk to them.  That has happened recently.  I had finally gotten my head outta my behind long enough to have a decent conversation with a woman at a homeschooling swimming lesson, to realize that Hey, I really like this woman....nay, friend?  yah....friend.   Cool. 

Only knowing her first name, I learned her whole name soon enough and what she did for herself.  Not as mom, not as wife, but as herself......look at the video and you will see for yourself.  I chose this particular song as well because of its own message, which i love!!

Who Am I ~ Part two

After writing my brief, yet cheesy, mini biography I was overcome with exhaustion and went for a nap.  During the day I rest, but my brain doesn't.   So, while I let me brain free fall from place to place without paying much attention to it, I had an epiphany.

     Alright, maybe it wasn't something quite that grandiose, but I nevertheless had a moment of realization about myself.  It is one thing to think it and to feel that it is right, but take a deep breath and just type it already!!

                         I am not happy.
                         I am not fulfilled.

Now, that I have shocked you a little bit, I will clarify those statements.


                          I have come to identify myself as Three Women:
                               WIFE
                               MOTHER
                               MYSELF

As wife and mother I am very happy and fulfilled.  My boys are wonderful people that amaze me everyday, and I would love to add a little girl to our family tree.  My husband has been the best friend I could ever want.

But my satisfaction with my life is on an entirely personal level.  It's All Me.

If I were to tell this to my husband he probably wouldn't be surprised as I have said this in some way over the years, usually in a crying fit from post-partum depression!

     I am unsettled by this thought though because I am not sure of how to accomplish fulfilling my personal self.  So, I have been going over the books again on the Law of Attraction, and Living Deeply, and God knows what else I have grabbed from the library today, in the hopes of being able to figure out what I am missing!

You are supposed to start writing a list of what you want...no censor's, no hesitations, no correction of any kind....just write.  In fact it is recommended to have someone do the writing for you (as the act of thinking then writing actually switches from right brain to leaft braina nd disrupts to whole process of free thinking) and the writer is to ask you "what do you want" over and over again.  Each answer goes futher and further into your true self.  Supposedly you are shocked or moved by the answers you come to in this process. 
     I started this by myself, but for obvious reasons it didn't work quite in the same way.  So I stopped and watched YouTube videos of the Duggar family from Arkansas.  19 kids.  and they have it together, it seems.   I will think on this again and come back to it though.

Who Am I

There is this idea that in order to change your life for the better, you need to know who you are; right now.

True Enough!

You can't get to where you want if you don't know where you've been or where you came from or where you are right now!  So I guess, for fun, I will give an introduction about who I am.

     I am Sylvie.  I am 31 years old.  Wife to one and Mother to two boys.  I am sometimes quiet and introspective and introverted, however, I am also loud, opinionated and sociable.  Make s no sense, really.  Except when you understand that I like what I like when I like it.  A.K.A. Stubborn.
     But, I am loving, caring and friendly.  And feisty, but I have calmed down some since I have Settled into my position as the backbone of this family.
     Yes, there are days when I feel overwhelmed, and stressed out.  And there are even days when I wonder what happened to "me"?  When did Me-Sylvie- become Mom and only Mom?  Where did the rest of "Me" go off too?  Why didn't she stick around?  There's room, Right????

Am I a typical 30 Something woman?

I fancy myself a writer.  A Jane Austen fantasy of beautifully stringing words together like a  priceless pearl necklace, but I often wonder if it is just that: Fantasy. 

I have the creative energy and story in my mind, however, no matter how I start it, it ends up "sounding"  incredibly juvenile to my ears.
      And that's it, isn't it?  My inner 13 year old writing wounded poetry never grew up enough to get over it.  Or am I self-indulgent to believe that what I have to say would be important enough to warrant a pre-release frenzy or a literary award or how about the New York Times' Best-Seller's List?
     Oh WAIT.....I haven't even mentioned actually having my story published in the first place!  How's that for self-indulgent??
     My manuscript would have to be spectacular in order to pass over the stacks of thousands of other hopefuls, let alone receiving any of my ideal scenarios!
     What if after all that, it still ends up on a spinning rack in the back corner of the public library to die a slow and painful death?  I see those books, I've felt sorry for those books, I've read some of them and felt even sorrier for having done so.  They are there for bloody good reason....they were not worthy of the paper they were printed on, nor worthy enough to be kept by the person who bought it in the first place because they judged it by the cover, and the exceptional blurbs on the back.  Which for some of them was the best part of the whole book!!  Most of them on that spinning rack are horrible!!
     So I read through those books, some where so bad I couldn't finish them, and I wondered, as I do now, What in the world was so spectacular about it that got it published in the first place???
    I know that writing a novel is not easy by a long shot, however, if I feel that I could write a novel only half as bad as the number that I have read, would that not make me a shoe-in?
    I know that my Jane Austen stringing words together beautifully fantasy obviously does not come within the same league as "half as bad as..." But you know a more realistic approach to accomplishing a daunting task will make it easier to actually accomplishing said task!!   And besides good editing can always make a story better!!

So maybe I should be dusting off my stack of started stories and work with one of the versions that seems best.  Hey, it probably isn't as bad as I think it is....Right?

The Law of Attraction??

I know all of you have probably heard of The Law of Attraction before.  There has been a lot of hype about it in recent years.  With good reason too, there is something to this...I know there is.  But no, if you were thinking this was going to be a post about my attraction story then you are mistaken.  I have read this book though.  I am trying to implement the strategies that the author has made so very clear.  Maybe I am still a little skeptical.

I saw The Secret.  I have seen Jack Canfield in person at a convention.  I have even read his book on the Success Principle's.  I have been through many sources from Joe Vitale, even though his websites felt like flashy advertisements I read anyway trying to ignore all the highlighted texts. I am also reading two books from Dr. Wayne Dyer: Excuses Begone!: How to Change Lifelong, Self-Defeating Thinking Habits; The Shift: Taking Your Life from Ambition to Meaning

 I have also read a great book by a little known author named Pat Davis, her book is called The Miracle of Intention: Defining Your Success  She is the CEO of a company I used to work.

I keep "learning" about the intent and belief that I have the power to create the life I want, and to attract the life I want to me. BUT.  There it is.  A tiny word that is so huge in the landscape of my life and my world that it holds me prisoner in unhappiness, dissatisfaction, unfulfillment.  BUT.  There it is again. Of all the best selling books that these amazing authors and teachers are writing, why can't they write about the power of BUT!

Now I am basically introducing you to the reason I started this particular blog.  I am writing about the unbearable power of but, in the hopes that I may actually attract to me the life I really need to be completely happy, satisfied and fulfilled.  This is the journey I have started to do all those things for the |Three Women that live inside me!